Kids that fabricate brilliant stories get me every time.
I realize it is the kid’s ego that creates a story to protect itself. We all do this on certain levels and lying is truly a sign of intelligence, at first. Meaning, when a kid does learn to lie, they are using an imagination and creatively building a story–one they think may be believable to others.
Great parents will catch kids in lies and help to educate them about the harms they can bring to themselves and others.
And I have seen some kids that continue to lie into, well, adulthood. They learn it from parents and their environment and they never let it go. Even when they are called on it they will usually tend to dig in their heals and fight harder to maintain their made up reality.
This stumps me. I do not have the skills to break through this. Do you?
I wonder if a restorative justice type conference can work well to bring resolution to an incident and break down the walls of made up story telling. Who is to say what is true or false?
When witnesses tell one story and it is different from an offender’s, how do you know if you were not there? Will sitting everyone together and having a conversation uncover the truth? Or will it cause a defensive blow up–with one person’s ego holding so tightly to a fabrication?
Please comment and I will report what can happen in a few weeks. I truly am curious.
Participate Now-
Matt K.
I work in this field quite a bit. I would wrap it within Restorative Justice (RJ) and Restorative Practices.
As I talk to people in the field and to those who never have heard of these terms–I find an illusion.
I think it belongs in every community: schools, churches, business, and local town meetings. And I think it already is in all of these places.
The illusion of restorative practices (or justice), I think is in the name. It already exists so why call it something that sounds so foreign? The name and the context creates an illusion that RJ is new, or hard to achieve.
It is not.
The fact that we have developed a term for this and an entire academic industry surrounding the principles assists in making this illusion.
Everyone already practices restorative justice. As soon as you hurt a loved one’s feelings, you work hard to make it right (unless you are a psychopath). If you have ever attempted to understand another person’s feelings, you have practiced RJ. When you listen, you are using a restorative practice.
Let’s break down the illusion.
RJ is simple. You already practice this and it is based on three core values:
- Respect–for yourself and other people
- Relationships–to yourself and other people
- Responsibility–to yourself and other people
If you take the time to listen to other people and yourself, you practice RJ.
If you take the time to feel empathy for other’s and yourself, you practice RJ.
If you take the time to tell your own story, in ways that other people will hear you, you practice RJ.
The illusion is being made that RJ is tough to do–however, we already do practice this daily. The breakdown then comes when we use it without intention–or without enough intention to utilize its true powers of connecting people.
This is why I believe RJ needs to become more intentional in Schools and other community.
We can look for ways RJ is in play and make them more intentional. The outcomes will be significant resulting in lower suspension, expulsions and more graduates from school! Not to mention a stronger, more tightly bonded, community.
Notice when you practice RJ today.
- When do you say to someone, “I am sorry. How can I make it right?”
- When do you listen, without creating your next sentence first?
- When do you plan your story so someone can understand your feelings and perspectives?
Restorative Justice must become more intentional in our communities. The benefits are just too good to miss!
Participate Now-
Matt K.
Years ago, during my undergrad years I went to work at a summer resort in Michigan. It is a beautiful place. The resort was “created” in about 1910 when a family bought an old logging town.
The homes are Victorian with some “kits” purchase from Sears and Roebuck. There is one large building which is the Inn and also serves breakfast and dinners. There is a post office and a casino to round out the rest of town.
The family bought the town and unlike so many other towns the buildings stayed and the family began visiting the area during the summers. To make a long story short, the area still enjoys summer visitors and is now a booming little resort where generations of families vacation year after year.
My mom connected me with the people there where I was able to land a summer job. I had lots of cooking experience so I was under the impression that I would be a breakfast cook.
A few days into my summer and I realized I would be washing dishes—if I wanted to stay. When I learned about this I almost left.
It really came down to one friend I had made in just a few days who said “I hope you do not go, I like having you here.” See, at first I needed a position to anchor myself with a sense of belonging and in reality; I needed someone to tell me I belonged.
Maslow says in his hierarchy that a sense of belonging comes after the necessities in life. In fact, we need a sense of belonging before any real learning can take place, before any self-actualization indeed.
Our kids need a sense of belonging in the classroom. The statistics available today show that we, as educators, are not doing this. We are not creating a place for our kids to belong.
Restorative practices does. It absolutely gives students a voice and a place to belong. Using restorative practices enforces student responsibility and when kids feel they are heard, they feel they belong. We need our kids to belong. This will decrease violence, decrease absence, and increase community strength.
I stayed on for another three years at the summer resort and it positively affected my life in ways I could not even begin to explain. It was only because I had a small sense of belonging which then was able to grow.
To building relationships-
Matt K
